The Trap of Parental Guilt Happens When Grown Children Make You Feel Guilty as a Parent: Letting Go for Their Growth and Yours
As a result of so many of my parents struggling to wave a magic wand, and make everything happy again, which believe me, I know!
I myself have tried and been through the hurt, guilt and wonder of how my own son, can pull away from me and hurt me, and this is from a child who was my best friend until age 32 and then from going through his own trauma, living in a different country, making his own way in life, over the past five years has unfriended me, his dad, his closeknit family who he had grown up with his entire life, so I totally understand! and this is why I want to really get down to grips with our thoughts today and understand our Parental role properly. Myself personally, I have cried the tears, berated myself and tried to talk to my son, but ultimately, he has to come to his own decisions and it took me a while to understand and ACCEPT this, As a parent, I wanted to make everything perfect as it always was, but this was not my son's plan. As a parent I really thought we were all balanced grown up individuals who had respect and mutual love for each other. But it needs to come from both sides!
I work with many parents who have adult children, and get caught in a never ending cycle of trying to fix their child's problems, no matter their age. I believe we all choose what we need to learn to grow our Soul, before we are even born, so when we cannot learn important lessons (whether as a child or a parent), we stunt our Soul's growth. Remember as a physical being, you are always a child to your Soul no matter your age.
Parenthood is a role like no other. From the moment we first hold our child, we’re filled with a deep sense of responsibility, love, and an unshakable desire to protect and nurture them. But as time passes, our role evolves. The babies we once rocked to sleep become independent adults with lives of their own, and this transition isn’t always easy.
Many parents struggle with guilt, especially when their grown children express disappointment or seem to blame them for how life has unfolded. We seem to get trapped into parental guilt, and this can become a pattern or habit that we sometimes need to pay attention to!
It’s natural to want the best for our children, but when that concern morphs into guilt, it can be deeply debilitating. Worse, it can prevent both you and your grown child from growing in the ways you're both meant to. So, how do we release that guilt and allow ourselves—and our adult children—the space to thrive?
The Trap of Parental Guilt
The feeling of guilt can sneak up on you when your grown child struggles. Maybe they’re frustrated with the choices you made when they were younger, or they blame you for their challenges in relationships, work, or even their mental health.
When our children express these feelings, it’s tempting to take on the weight of their struggles as our own.
Here’s the thing: as parents, we did the best we could with the tools we had at the time. Every decision we made was rooted in love, even if it wasn’t perfect. Holding onto guilt about past mistakes or choices we couldn’t have known the outcome of doesn’t serve either party. Instead, it keeps us stuck—wrapped in old stories rather than embracing new possibilities for the future.
Releasing Control: Growth Through Letting Go
As painful as it can be, part of releasing guilt means accepting that your child is responsible for their own life now. Their choices, their challenges, and their successes are theirs to navigate. Yes, we helped shape their early experiences, but their journey as adults belongs to them.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our grown children is the freedom to find their way. Sometimes, this means stepping back and letting them learn from their mistakes. It’s not a sign of abandonment or indifference—it’s a powerful expression of trust. By releasing control, we communicate a deep belief in their ability to handle life’s ups and downs. We give them space to grow in ways they couldn’t if we kept hovering in the background, ready to swoop in and solve their problems.
Think about it this way: the most profound growth often comes from adversity. Just as we learned through our own challenges, our children will, too. Holding onto guilt can prevent that process, as it often leads us to overcompensate—trying to shield them from discomfort. But growth and resilience come from weathering life’s storms, not avoiding them.
Example: The Growth of Letting Them Navigate Conflict
Take, for example, a parent whose adult daughter frequently turns to her when conflicts arise with her partner. The mother feels guilty—wondering if perhaps she didn’t model healthy relationship behavior well enough when her daughter was young. She worries, second-guesses herself, and often finds herself offering advice, intervening, or even trying to mediate.
But what would happen if, instead of feeling guilty and stepping in, the mother took a step back? She might say, “I trust you to work through this.” In doing so, she’s giving her daughter the confidence to handle her own relationships. Rather than swooping in to fix things, she’s empowering her daughter to grow through the experience. And as difficult as it might be, the daughter will likely emerge stronger, with a better sense of who she is and what she needs in a relationship.
When Your Child Distances Themselves After You’ve Given Them Everything
Another challenging scenario parents face is when a child who has been given everything—time, love, support, resources—decides to distance themselves once they’re out in the world and doing well. It’s natural to feel hurt or confused when this happens. You might ask yourself, How could they pull away when you have always had a good strong healthy relationship, I know I did this for months!
But here’s a perspective shift: their independence, even if it includes distancing themselves from you, may be a testament to the success of your parenting. You’ve raised a capable, self-sufficient adult who feels strong enough to live life on their own terms. This doesn’t mean they don’t love or value you—it means they trust themselves to navigate life with the tools you helped them develop.
It can be difficult to give yourself permission to let them experience life without leaning on you as heavily as they once did. But letting go in this way is an act of love. It’s a sign that you have done your job well. As much as we cherish being a significant presence in our children’s lives, their ability to thrive independently is something to be celebrated, not mourned.
If they need you, they will seek you out. And when they do, it will be because they genuinely want your presence, not because they’re dependent on it. This shift is healthy for both of you. It allows you to be in their life as a source of support and love, rather than someone who feels obligated to constantly intervene or solve problems. And it allows them to continue growing into the fullness of who they are, learning from their own experiences, and living on their own terms. I have to admit, I have my off days, when I question myself, and my choices, my sadness that we con't talk, and even continue to send messages, but if there is only a one sided relationship, you are basically just speaking to your own want and desires, it does not include your child!
The Courage to Redefine Your Role
Another example could be a parent whose grown son feels that his childhood lacked something—perhaps time, attention, or material resources. When the son brings this up, it’s easy to spiral into guilt, thinking, “If only I had done more…” But instead of getting lost in the regret of what can’t be changed, what if the parent saw this as an opportunity for growth?
Acknowledge his feelings. Say, “I’m sorry you felt that way. I did my best with what I had, and I love you deeply.” Then release the need to “fix” the past. In doing so, you open the door to a deeper, more authentic relationship with your child. By showing that you’re at peace with your imperfections, you give them permission to be imperfect too.
Redefining your role as a parent doesn’t mean you’re less involved or that you care less. It simply means you’re transitioning into a role that allows both you and your child to grow. You’re there to support, but not to control. You’re available for guidance, but not responsible for the outcome.
Rewriting the Story of Guilt
One of the most transformative things we can do as parents of grown children is to rewrite the story of guilt. Instead of seeing ourselves as having failed in some way, we can choose to see the experience as part of the natural ebb and flow of life. Parenting is never about perfection; it’s about love, resilience, and growth—on both sides.
Letting go of guilt isn’t about denying the past. It’s about accepting that what’s done is done and that it’s okay. You’ve loved your child deeply, and you continue to do so. Now, it’s time to love them in a new way: by letting them fly with the wings you helped them grow.
In moments when guilt begins to creep in, remind yourself that your adult child’s growth comes from their ability to take ownership of their life.
By releasing your guilt, you also free them to own their experiences—both good and bad. And in doing so, you give them the opportunity to build the life they truly want, rather than one shaped by your attempts to shield them from discomfort.
Conclusion: A New Perspective
The transition from active parenting to supporting your adult child’s independence can feel daunting.
It’s natural to second-guess yourself, to worry if you did enough, and to feel guilty when your child expresses dissatisfaction. But remember, the goal isn’t to be a perfect parent—it’s to raise a capable adult who can navigate life’s challenges.
Releasing guilt doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you trust in the love, lessons, and strength you’ve instilled in your child, and in their ability to find their own way.
Letting go is an act of love—a love that allows both you and your child to grow, evolve, and find new ways of being in the world. And in that space, guilt has no place.
If you need support, remember I am always here. Life can be tought sometimes, and you might want to keep your thoughts and reflections private. I totally get this, and it takes courage to be honest with yourself and learn to be stronger and stand away from always being the FIXER. Don't carry judgement, let it go and find peace, you deserve it !
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